


STILES STILINSKI: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

by Sulluspark



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Humor, M/M, Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-13
Updated: 2018-01-13
Packaged: 2019-03-04 11:02:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13363302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sulluspark/pseuds/Sulluspark
Summary: CONGRATULATIONS!You are now the proud owner of a STILES unit! Included in this guide are the basics to caring for your very own Sarcastic Spark!





	STILES STILINSKI: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

**Author's Note:**

> original format is from theresa green. inspired by all the owner's guide works on fanfiction.net

**CONGRATULATIONS!**  
You are now the proud owner of a STILES unit! To unlock the full potential of your very own sarcastic lil human, read the following manual with care, as misuse of the STILES could result in spewing of threats (of which he will probably not follow through with) and more sarcasm than is normal.

  
**Technical Specifications**  
Name: Mieczyslaw "Stiles" Stilinski (AKA "The boy who runs with wolves" or "Bilinski". Will also respond to "Nerd" and "Little red" –please note that addressing him by this nickname may result in some snark from said 'Little' red – and "Derek's mate")  
Age: 17  
Place of Manufacture: Beacon Hills, California  
Height: 5'11  
Weight: 152 lbs  
Blood Type: B  
Length: Insert dick joke here

  
**Your STILES comes with the following accessories:**  
One (1) Red Zip Hoodie  
One (1) Grey T-Shirt  
One (1) Pair of Jeans  
One (1) Pair of Adidas Red Samoa Sneakers   
One (1) Pair of Socks  
One (1) Sony Phone  
One (1) Keyring w/ Keys to Roscoe© (sold seperately)  
One (1) Tube of Hair Gel  
One (1) Baseball Bat  
  
WARNING: Attempting to remove the baseball bat from your STILES may cause him to accidentally swing it at your face due to his flailing and generally bad coordination. The STILES knows he is a human among supernatural and thus requires a weapon to defend himself, therefore we cannot be held accountable for any damage your actions may cause. 

  
**Removing your STILES from his box**  
The STILES may just look like an awkward teenager, but he is very intelligent. Upon first opening the box, he will naturally be wary of you and his surroundings, and stubbornly decide to stay inside his box. But don't worry! If you follow these steps, your STILES should be abandoning his box in no time. 

  1. Hold your hands up in a non-threatening manner and convey to him that you mean no harm. 
  2. Tell him that, in exchange for his leaving the box, he can have as much junk food as he wants. Hold out as much chips as you can for good measure.
  3. Watch him closely. When he looks as if he is considering the idea, throw in that you'll watch Star Wars with him.



If your STILES is not swayed by the end of this list, and you've made sure to follow these steps exactly, you may want to consider purchasing any of these units: SHERIFF STILINSKI, DEREK HALE, SCOTT MCCALL, LYDIA MARTIN. All of these units are guaranteed to get your STILES STILINSKI out of his box, however, depending on which unit, he may come out normal, sulky, or scared shitless.

  
**Programming**  
Your sarcasm master of a human has been programmed with a number of useful functions and modes, each designed to maximize your own benefit and pleasure:  
  
Researcher: Have you got an essay to turn in at midnight tonight? Or maybe you need to know everything about a subject for your presentation tomorrow? Well, now you don't have to worry about it! Your STILES is a master researcher– just tell him the password to your computer and watch him do his thing.  
  
Assassin: Have a grudge someone and want them gone? No problem! Your STILES unit can successfully make anyone disappear with his special abilities.   
\--NOTE: The Void mode (see below) must be unlocked to fully make use of this service, or you may have to send your STILES back for a repair.  
  
Driver: Don't have permission to drive yet? That's fine, because your STILES does! With him, you'll be able to go wherever you want, whenever you want!  
  
Tutor: Are you getting F's on your tests and need some help? Your STILES can definitely help with that! With an endless amount of knowledge from his frequent late-night research binges and general IQ, your STILES can tutor you and get that grade back to an A, guaranteed! 

  
**Your STILES will come with the following modes:**  
  
Sarcastic (default)  
  
Overly-talkative (default)  
  
Spaz  
  
Void ( _locked_ )  
  
Genius  
  
Pack Mom ( _locked_ )  
  
Irate  
  
Lovesick  
  
The Pack Mom mode can be unlocked by exposing your STILES to any hurt ISAAC, ERICA, or BOYD units. It is important to your well-being that you do not, no matter what, interrupt his taking care of those units. In this mode, your STILES will be protective of any of those three units and lose most of his sense of self-preservation and will not register pain if attacked. He will be about as dangerous as a lioness protecting her cubs and may even enlist the help of a DEREK to assist him.   
  
The Void mode is unlocked by allowing a NOGITSUNE close enough to your STILES' control panel to access it or by bringing the dark thoughts and feelings within your STILES up to the surface. Once unlocked, your STILES will no longer be an innocent teenager, but a malevolent, psychotic demon. The only way to revert him back is to exorcise him (many units, such as a SCOTT and KIRA may be necessary) and trap the NOGITSUNE in a Triskelion Box©.  
  
WARNING: Activating the Void mode could prove hazardous to your health; do so at your own risk. The manufacturers cannot be held accountable for any damage (bodily, property, or otherwise) caused by a STILES in this mode.  
  
  
**Relations with Other Units  
**  
SHERIFF STILINSKI: This unit is the father unit to your STILES and is thus held in high regard by your unit.   
SCOTT MCCALL: This unit and your STILES are best friends. Together, they may make your life hell with all their shenanigans. Attempting to separate your unit when he meets and decides a SCOTT unit is his best friend may cause your ears to bleed from the protests.   
DEREK HALE: This unit will initially display dislike and hostility to your STILES, which he will respond in kind to. Allowing your unit to stay in the presence of a DEREK will improve their relationship considerably and they will eventually become great friends or more, should you push for it. Patience is key.   
PETER HALE: Try your absolute best to prevent your unit from coming in contact with this unit. If your STILES is near one, he may be in grave danger, as these units are known for being very volatile and untrustworthy.   
LYDIA MARTIN: Your STILES has been in love with this unit for a long time and may stumble or stutter when in the presence of one. Knock some sense into him to make sure he stops making a fool of himself and, with time, they will become friends.   
HALE PACK SERIES©: This set includes the DEREK HALE, ERICA REYES, ISAAC LAHEY, and VERNON BOYD units. Your STILES may not like them at first, but over time, these units will form a very close bond and will be very hard to separate. Interfering when these units are all together may cause fatal injury and we cannot he held accountable for your decision.  
MCCALL-HALE PACK SERIES©: This set is the larger version of the HALE PACK SERIES© and includes the SCOTT MCCALL, LYDIA MARTIN, and KIRA YUKIMURA units, in addition to the ones in the above series. Your STILES will feel right at home with these units and there will never be a boring moment, should you choose to purchase and keep the whole set together. With that being said, diligent supervision is required, unless collateral damage is not of concern to you.    
DANNY MAHLEANI: This unit is usually subject to your STILES and his stupid questions. Friendship can be achieved if you can advise your unit to remain tactful when talking to a DANNY unit, so that they don't get annoyed or disturbed by your STILES.   
JACKSON WHITTEMORE: Your STILES hates this unit, as the JACKSON often bullies him. Try to keep these units as far away from each other as possible to avoid unnecessary fights and injuries.   
HUNTER SERIES©: This set includes the ALLISON ARGENT, CHRIS ARGENT, and KATE ARGENT units. Your STILES unit is understandably suspicious, but tolerate of the former two. However, keep him away from the KATE at all costs, or you may have to send your unit back for repairs.  
ROSCOE THE JEEP: This unit is sold separately from your STILES, but your unit will come with the keys to one. We advise you to purchase a ROSCOE as soon as you can, since your unit is very attached to them, due to ROSCOE being his mom's car before she passed.   
  
  
**Cleaning**  
Your STILES unit should be able to properly clean himself without your help. If he somehow forgets due to all the supernatural business he is involved in, make sure to remind him. He will probably not refuse should you offer to help him. However, should further convincing be required, have a DEREK unit help you seduce/intimidate your STILES into the bath.   
  
  
**Feeding**  
As with cleaning, your STILES unit should be able to handle feeding himself as well. However, he tends to gravitate towards eating snacks and junk food at odd intervals. As a growing teenage boy, he should be having three healthy meals a day at the appropriate times. If your STILES starts to do the above, prepare healthy meals for his consumption and sit him down for breakfast, lunch and dinner until he starts to get it. Should there be resistance, have a SHERIFF STILINSKI unit help you out.  
  
  
**Rest**  
Your STILES seems to have the most trouble with this and doesn't seem to understand the concept of rest. The STILES unit will stay awake for a variety of reasons (research, for one), so it is your job to coax him into bed and get some sleep. If even forcefully trying to get him into bed doesn't work, simply whack him on the head. He should stay knocked out for at least a few hours.   
  
  
**Frequently Asked Questions**  
  
**Q: My STILES is tripping and running into things. Is he broken?**  
A: Don’t worry, all STILES units are programmed to act in this manner. Your unit is perfectly fine and there is no need for worry.  
  
**Q: HOW TO GET STEREK BABIES?**  
A: There are two ways to get your STILES (or alternatively, DEREK) pregnant. The first is to bribe the nearest DEATON unit with any book from our Supernatural Somethings© collection. In exchange for the book, the DEATON will magically hex your STILES unit to allow him the ability to conceive, but it will only last for the duration of the pregnancy, or 5 months should a pregnancy not take. The second way is to buy our Omega© enhancement, which will permanently make your STILES unit an omega and capable of having children for the rest of his life. Though note, with this enhancement, heats will then be a part of your STILES' life. The third and final way involves no money, just patience. You only need to wait for a full moon to occur and have your STILES and a DEREK unit together and let them do their thing (that means giving them their privacy or it won't happen).  
  
**Q: My STILES is paler than usual with bags under his eyes. Is that normal?**  
A: If you have unlocked Void mode for your STILES, then this is normal. See above for instructions on how to reset him. If that is not the case, then he may be having nightmares from all the supernatural happenings or his mom. Have him sleep together with a DEREK unit or have a SHERIFF STILINSKI unit comfort and reassure him.  
  
**Q: My STILES has suddenly disappeared!**  
A: Don't worry; this is normal. Any unit from the MCCALL-HALE PACK SERIES© must have coerced him into another one of their supernatural adventures or he is currently "with" a DEREK unit. If it is the former, prepare to treat a beaten-up STILES unit or enlist the help of a MELISSA MCCALL should the damage be too extreme.  
  
**Q: What does it mean if my STILES has a bite mark on his neck?**  
A: Did you leave your unit with a DEREK alone for a certain period of time? If yes, then congratulations! The bite mark is a result of a completed bond with your STILES and the DEREK unit. If no, then the mark is a result of a PETER HALE unit and you should send your unit back to us immediately for necessary adjustments.  
  
**Q: My STILES went into Pack Mom mode without any of the units in the HALE PACK SERIES© present!**  
A: Your STILES unit must have seen or come in contact with a KATE ARGENT or PETER HALE unit. Tell him that his pups are in your house and then lock him in a room. Make sure this room is reinforced and won’t give way to your angered STILES unit or the damage may be extensive. Once that is done, have a SHERIFF STILINSKI, SCOTT MCCALL, or DEREK HALE unit come to coax him out of his Pack Mom mode.  
  
  
**Troubleshooting  
**  
Problem: There is an angry SHERIFF STILINSKI at your door.  
Solution: Your STILES unit must have lied to him again to keep him out of the loop. March your unit to the SHERIFF STILINSKI and have him apologize.   
  
Problem: Your STILES unit has been very sad lately.  
Solution: It may be nearing the anniversary of your unit's mom’s death. The best thing to do is simply to leave your STILES alone and let him grieve. Expect visits from nearby SHERIFF STILINSKI units at this time.  
  
  
**Final Note**  
With proper care and a daily dose of love, your STILES should grow up to be an intelligent young man with the sharpest mouth known to man. He will surely extract many laughs out of you while living under your roof, and will continue to do so even after you're gone, courtesy of our lifetime warranty. However, if you find that you cannot deal with his incessant sarcasm and general sassiness, just dump him on the nearest SHERIFF STILINSKI or DEREK HALE and make a break for it. Due to their protective natures over any STILES, they will want your unit to stay with them and you'll be free. 


End file.
